Push Through the Pain

So those of you who read me know I occasionally pour my soul out into this blog at random intervals. I've complained about being unable to write due to not having a computer and missing it like it was a child ripped away from me and I've complained about my imagination running away to everywhere but the project I'm working on. And it never fails, the harder I flog myself about my doubt, my fear, my inner demons on this blog, the more readers I get. It's not that many, but I do get more traffic on those posts than any other. So today, after having fired a prominent actor from my current work yesterday, (he showed up again today, behaving himself so I don't really know what that's all about) I want to talk to you guys about pushing through these things.

 

You see I KNOW when I'm being a basket case. I think a lot of people don't. I've watched friends and family do these really crazy things and listened to justifications all of the time about it. Which has led me to not doing things. It has saved me a ton of embarrassment, but as many of you who are following along might have guessed, I'm also completely miserable. You see, I haven't stood up for me, ever.

 

When I was a child, standing up for my emotional needs was unfathomable. Everybody else in my house had these HUGE problems I couldn't change. It felt like I was being whiny and selfish to not deal with my puny problems alone. It was my gift of peace to my family so they could focus on their major health issues, but it didn't bring peace to my family and it didn't make me happy.

 

As an adult I am often confronted with the difference between the way I believe the world should work and the way it actually does. I have watched as so many of the things I wanted derailed time and again, almost always as a result of someone else's failures. And writing became my refuge. It's the place where I can make the story end the way I want it to. My heroines can be as kick ass and bold as they want to be and suffer as few consequences for it as possible. I can torture my characters as much as I want, but redeem them in the end. I can give them the happiness I haven't found. But this hasn't made me happy either.

 

I'm going to finish the project I'm working on, but I don't know long term if I will continue writing. You see I just want one story completed to my satisfaction. I don't know why I feel like the unnamed actor needs to show up on my doorstep tomorrow and validate my work. It's not a real test. It's crazy. So I have some more ideas on this project. I'm going to finish the first draft, then do a content edit and then send it out to betas. But I just can't go on feeling this empty or wrapping up my dreams in fiction. I need to work on the satisfaction of me the best I can without hurting other people. It's time to come out of my shell.

 

Love,

 

Melanie