Pitch Party --The Party is Now Closed

Welcome to the Pitch Party! I am so happy to host you all. For writers: please paste your 100 word pitch into the comments section below. If you would rather post under a pen name please email me. Feel free to comment politely to help improve the pitches.

For readers: You are welcome to read and comment on the pitches. If you are new to this, read the pitches and comment politely on what part of the pitch you think could be improved to make it more desirable as a purchase. This is your chance to pretend you are acquiring new work for a publishing house.

As stated in The Rules, please limit your pitch to 100 words, not including the title. You have until 11:59 pm AKDT (Alaska Daylight Time, you're welcome Jill) August 15, 2014 to post. I hope to have results to announce by Monday August 18, 2014 though I cannot predict what time of day I will post those as that is the day before school starts here. Have fun and enjoy!

 

Comments

Roanoke: The Lost Martian Colony
Raleigh and Drake, Inc. won the mineral and settlement rights to Mars. As a joke founders Walter Raleigh, Frank Drake and John White decide to call the new settlement Roanoke. White’s daughter Ella declares the name jinxed. She’s proved right when they lose contact with one hundred and fifty settlers already there. The firm dispatches a security detail with Joshua Dare in command and Ella to straighten out the mess. Joshua won’t be pushed around by a civilian, no matter how pretty. But when they arrive to find the settlers gone and just one clue, Croatan, it’s unite or die.
Anonymous said…
Dying is a terrible way to start an adventure. Not that Timmy had much choice. One moment, he was enjoying a quiet life of avoiding responsibility, and the next, he’d been assigned a Haunting- whatever that meant. But Timmy’s plan to ignore the assignment derails when he discovers a disease of undying, with his duplicitous family at its core. Harassed by a wise-cracking opportunist, an angelic caseworker, Death himself, and, worst of all, his conscience, Timmy takes action for the first time in his unlife. But saving the world is tricky business, especially when victory could cost his very existence.
Anonymous said…
Stunning. That was the only word to describe Gwen Peters. A tall, beautiful singer with a voice that could make a grown man cry. And a very dear friend of one of Malcolm’s band mates.
At their introduction she had told Malcolm she would never consider sleeping with someone she worked with. And he wanted so much more than work with her.
For a long time they manage to keep it professional. Right until Malcolm’s illustrious ex-girlfriend shows up in hope of side-tracking Gwen. Is temptation going to get the better of them? Is he asking too much of her?
Anonymous said…
One Dead Prince

Things weren't going well for King Fabien. He invaded Eirach, seized control, and slew the royal family. However, the one Prince he planned to use as a hostage also ended up dead in the carnage. But with no witnesses, what's one little lie?
While he's dealing with civil unrest, that lie sets a vengeful sister in a far away country on the war path. Then there's the recently escaped and seriously pissed off witch, who happens across a man who knows the truth about the prince. Suddenly this witch holds all the cards, but it isn't the throne she's after.
tiakall said…
The biggest problem Mirai faces is trying to join the boys-only kendo team. Scratch that--the biggest problem she faces is when her town unexpectedly merges with another dimension. The monsters that live there are equally upset, so Mirai teams up with them and kids around the world to shut down the holes as they appear.

But there's a problem--the cause is a war that's tearing the monsters apart. Actually, there's lots of problems: the leader is hiding something, and a human is working for the bad guys, who might not be bad. And Mirai still has to worry about kendo.
From

Melindrea
August 15, 2014 at 2:09 PM

Stolen from her tower by a barbarian lord, Princess Lynessa is forced to navigate an alien culture that considers her their queen. She has almost found her footing as the lady of the glacier's keep when the Wolf swallows the Sun-Child, leaving the world in darkness. Though she would have preferred to stay behind, the spirits demand she join her husband Vanlandi on the quest to recover the Sun. Their quest takes them through strange realms, and to succeed they must work together. Vanlandi Jarl proved his manhood through stealing her; what will she prove, and how?

YA Epic Fantasy
ReplyDelete
Unknown said…
What's evil? It's the biggest question villages across the countryside have to answer. People and creatures alike are locked in passionate arguments. Different sides to the tale unfold as Rosalind, Anastasia, and Alice discover themselves and magic. Along the way, love and hatred clash while friends are gained and lost. Their decisions determine the fates of many including giants, ogres, and dragons. Are these creatures good, bad, or in-between? This tale explores the depth of one's soul, and what they are willing to do to accomplish what each feels is right.
Unknown said…
Daren only wanted to let his friend in on something special, he never imagined it what it would do. After Kaleb tried the weed, he began to go down a dangerous path, trying worse drugs at each turn. The thing he finds funny is that it isn't the drugs he is addicted to, no, it's all a part of his personality that he has kept on lockdown for many years.
Anonymous said…
Jason Adler finally has his life on track. Out of jail, back home— Hell, he even got a job. He never imagined himself shelving books at the local library but beggars can’t be choosers. He never imagined mischievous brownies putting carts out of order or his boss being a ghost. He definitely never imagined sphinxes in the courtyard! Keeping the public from noticing is hard enough but now someone is snooping around. Blurry photos and video are showing up online— Someone is trying to expose the magic at the library and it’s up to Jason to stop them.
This story is titled "Maw of Eternal Darkness"
Unknown said…
So, mostly a comma nitpick here, at "As a joke, founders Walter Raleigh, Frank Drake, and John White..." (Between 'joke' and 'founders', and I'm an oxford comma gal as for between 'Drake' and 'and')

I really find it hilarious that they call it Roanoke. That's pretty priceless for anyone that knows any history. :)
Unknown said…
0.0 I really like this one! I would be excited to read this. It doesn't say much about what goes on in the book, though.
tiakall said…
Although I like the setup, for 100 words I feel like there's too much setup and not enough on the characters - I'm guessing Ella and Joshua are the main characters? So I'd cut out the stuff on the founders and beef up Ella and Joshua instead. If this was, say, 250 words, it'd be fine, but 100 isn't much.

I do like the premise though. Is their ship named the Titanic too? ;)
tiakall said…
I like the layout of this, but there are a couple of points that confuse me. He wanted so much more than work with her? So he was wanting romance from the start? Or just friendship? I'm also not sure about how the ex-girlfriend is supposed to be sidetracking Gwen if she's not considering romance.
tiakall said…
I love love love the part about 'what's one little lie'. But I'm a little confused as to who's the main character and what their goal is. Is it the witch?
tiakall said…
I like the worldbuilding - there's a lot of choice of words that give a feel for the story. But things like "forced" and "demand" on the other hand make the main character sound very passive. I don't get a real sense of her agency or motives. I also love the last line, but I don't have any idea what she will prove because I don't know who she is.
tiakall said…
I agree - I'm kind of confused as to what is going on - I'm not sure whether I'm looking at an urban fantasy or a regular other-world fantasy. But I do like the voice behind this.
tiakall said…
I'm confused as to which 'he' we're following - Daren or Kaleb? I like the part about the personality on lockdown. I want to know more about the guy I'm following and what happens to him.
tiakall said…
Grammar-wise, there are a couple of commas I would include-- "library, but", "order, or", "enough, but". I love the sound of this library--can I work there? :D I'm not sure why it's a problem if the magic at the library is discovered, or why Jason is that invested in it, though.
tiakall said…
I love the voice. I get a good sense of Timmy and I love that his vice is laziness. But I don't like some of the more overused phrases ("not that he had much choice", "one moment he x, next he y", etc.) I also don't really get a sense of why victory could cost him his existence, so it feels kind of there just to raise the stakes. I love that second to the last sentence too.
Melindrea said…
The passiveness of the main character is quite on purpose. She's been brought up to believe that women are helpless little porcelain statues that needs to be wrapped in layers of cotton. Her arc is to overcome nurture in favour of nature.
Melindrea said…
I agree that the setup might take center a bit too much over the characters. I also, personally, wonder why the comment about prettiness comes in, is this something that Joshua's thinking/commenting on?

That said, I would read it =)
Melindrea said…
What genre is this? I like how it's written, assuming that it's some kind of romance. If it's not I feel that it needs more details outside of Gwen's attractiveness.

I'd also like a bit more details on who Malcolm is, since I get the impression he is the PoV.
Melindrea said…
I love this one. Flippant, amusing ... I'd expect it's something akin to "Buffy as written by Terry Pratchett", with a lot of snark and whimsiness to keep me laughing throughout the book. Wonderful voice!
Anonymous said…
I love the sound of this. I agree a little more on character would be good. Or, alternatively if you cut some of the opener use the extra words to explain the peril a little more. I mean, we know that the colonists have disappeared but how do our protags know that they themselves are in any immediate danger?
Anonymous said…
Yeah, the stuff with the ex gets a bit confusing. Had they just got together and then suddenly BAM meddling ex or did the ex show up and start causing trouble and that pushed them together? In my opinion, I think the questions at the end could be substituted for some more details. Sounds good aside from that! :D
Anonymous said…
This sounds like great fun. As far as improving it, I would love a little bit of detail on the monsters but for all I know that could be hard without giving away too much.
Anonymous said…
I really like this pitch! Um, I would say the "spirits" are a bit vague but really I don't know what I'd do to this one. <3
Anonymous said…
Yeah, I think this needs more specific details. While the voice is nice, it sounds a little generic otherwise. It sounds like an exciting story, I think it would be great to show how it's different to other fantasy epics.
Anonymous said…
This pitch is intriguing but I think a clue at what the path they are going to end up on would be an even bigger hook for it.
Anonymous said…
Haunted library! <3 Insta hook for me, ha. This sounds fun. I agree with Tia's points about being unsure as to why these are huge problems though.
Anonymous said…
Bah, my comment here got eaten so many times. :< Let's try again.
Love this pitch, especially the voice. I agreed that the "could cost his very existence" is a little vague but I found it quite a hook in that way - I'm interested to read and find out why. That's just a difference of opinions though. <3
Anonymous said…
Gyah, yeah, I couldn't figure out how to make this pitch fit properly into the word constraints. The MCs are the sister and the witch, Fabien being the antagonist. I need to try and get that across while still getting to actual story in there too.
tiakall said…
Naming them would help, I think. Also maybe cut the beginning just a bit to frame the two MCs, not the setting?
Anonymous said…
The premise definitely hooked me! I agree with the others-- I want to know more about Joshua and Ella. That being said, the last sentence leaves me confused. Croatan is the clue? It took a quick Googling to understand. And who needs to unite or die? Joshua and Ella or something else entirely?
Anonymous said…
Eh...I do learn a lot about Timmy from the tone of the pitch but I'm left floundering in the mechanics. We have ghosts and Death and angels. Is the afterlife Christian-based, then? Or something else? I'm also curious about the "wise cracking opportunist" and what his/her stake is in this.
Anonymous said…
I agree with what the others have said. Is the ex sidetracking Gwen professionally? (Or romantically? :D) I do think you could swap out the first couple of sentences and tighten up Malcom's intro. Gwen is a friend to Malcom's bandmate? That implies that they aren't working together yet, so why not sleep with him?
Anonymous said…
Fabien's taken over a kingdom but he...doesn't wipe out the whole family, faraway sister included? That doesn't seem like a wise plan unless she was estranged from everyone else. Even then, rebels might seize upon her as a leader/figure head? I would focus on the MCs' POV(s) and not necessarily the antagonist's.
Anonymous said…
This ones comes off a great middle-grade/YA idea. I feel like the first sentence of the second paragraph could be reworked. It reads awkwardly in my mind. A lot. I think twynedearth has the right of it-- Give us some more detail on the monsters! :D
Anonymous said…
I feel like this is the second book in a series with what the main character has already had to deal with. The last sentence only adds to this-- That being said, this is a book/series I would read!
Anonymous said…
I'm not sure if I'm reading a fantasy-adventure or fantasy-philosophy book o.0 But one I would read regardless.
Anonymous said…
I feel like I'm missing something-- I feel like the drugs mentioned aren't just plain drugs but nothing is clarified. That's reinforced with Kaleb's personality lockdown. Sounds interesting, none the less!
Anonymous said…
Gah. My commas are the first thing to go when stressed. The big "why" of why the magic should be hidden is humanity's good ol' fear of "otherness." If magic gets proven as real, imagine all the conservative politicians blowing up and wanting to get rid of the unholy "demons."

Jason's interest is selfish at first (job!) but he gets to grow as a character. I may have been influenced by binge-watching Pitbulls and Parolees when developing the story >.>'
Anonymous said…
That last part is indeed a bit confusing. Otherwise I think it's very good. You know what's the starting point. Want to know the rest? Read the book.
Anonymous said…
I love this one. Especially that first sentence. Makes me curious to find out the about what the h*ll is going on.
Anonymous said…
For me the focus might be a little more on the plot and little less about the characters. So many people to keep track of.
Anonymous said…
Agree with the rest. Great reading rhythm. The first sentence of the second paragraph does come across a little confusing to me.
Anonymous said…
So much going on, but what's happening. Feels like there's lots of talk and not so much real action though. What are they doing? Where are they going?
Anonymous said…
I'd love a little more on what that part of his personality is. Otherwise, love it.
Anonymous said…
Love this idea. Indeed, why is it so important nobody finds out? (other than the obvious: Panic)
Unknown said…
It's a philosophy fantasy and really character driven. The plot is there to complement the struggles of each character, but it's mostly about events in their lives and how each views them. I wasn't sure how to phrase that in the description.

Love and appreciate all the comments.
Unknown said…
I agree with the comment about commas. Also, I was wondering if this is adventure romance because of the pretty remark (if that's what it is meant to indicate). I'm intrigued!
Unknown said…
It's a philosophy fantasy and really character driven. The plot is there to complement the struggles of each character, but it's mostly about events in their lives and how each views them. I wasn't sure how to phrase that in the description without sounding boring.
Anonymous said…
For those wondering, it's romance, yes. No supernatural sci-fi elements, she's just hot as hell... ;)

Subscribe Now!

Popular Posts